“Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table”

~ by Eric Idle

Immanuel Kant was a real piss ant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Georg Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.

Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who got just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There was nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist.

Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy, got particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram.

Rene Descartes was a drunken fart.
“I drink, therefore I am.”

Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a stinker when he’s pissed.


Immanuel Kant, a transcendental idealist, believed the universe was a stable system. He himself was chronically wobbly.

John Stuart Mill was very concerned with an individual’s freedom of choice. His shandy was a weak mix of lemonade and beer– but it kicked his butt, despite his robust Victorian will.

A dram is a small measure of Scotch in a liquer glass, yet it knocked Thomas Hobbes on his ass.

Yes, it’s true, most of our great thinkers were sloshed. Certainly explains their writing styles! Good thing these fellows weren’t in engineering.

In a drinking-song sketch on Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Eric Idle portrays a cynical, hard-drinking philosophy professor who describes the “greats” as a bunch of drunks.

Idle has perhaps written his masterwork in Not The Messiah, a comedic oratorio based on the film, The Life of Brian, and he wrote the songs for the musical comedy, Spamalot.


Author: MDM

Michael Dennis Mooney is a student of humor and witticism in verse. At this site he is compiling a selection of the best works using extended metaphor in poetry, with a special interest in satire, parody, and humor. Suggestions are welcome. Send your citations of favorites, by email, to mike.mooney.home@gmail.com He has a site "New Writings" at http://jcbcast.blogspot.com And a site for essays, 'His Epistles To The Philistines" at http://tothephilistines.wordpress.com

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